Is It Wrong?

Happiness is a choice, they said.

I chose happiness, but it didn’t choose me. Coincidentally, the moment I start to become happy, that’s when sadness comes in to rain in my parade. Why? Is it wrong for me to be happy? Can’t I be happy like the rest? As I smile, I’d see eyes on me as if they’re questioning my happiness, whether if I deserve it or not. As I smile, they would wonder if I’m being sour, bitter, or genuinely happy. Can’t happiness be on my side for once?

Tell me, do I even deserve to be happy?

The Scientist

I would write pieces about self-love yet it ends up either trashed or drafted. I thought to myself that maybe it’s just a block and I would get back to my drive in writing in no time. I became patient but as I waited, I witnessed the days transitioned into weeks, then into months and surprisingly, it became a year. It’s not a block, I realized. Looking back, there were times that I’d fail my attempt in writing as I would find myself emotionally wrecked. It’s as if the wounds were opened up again; the wounds that I thought that has been healed long ago.

Nobody said it was easy.

The act of self-love is easier said than done. I’d spend hours scrolling through Pinterest for motivation quotes & inspiration, listen to empowering songs, and declare to the world that my optimism can’t be brought down by a single negative thought, but in the end, I’d drop my battle armor and surrender instead. I would question the heavens that how come I’ve done everything that needs to be done yet nothing goes my way.

Oh, take me back to the start.

I’d look back on how the things were in the beginning; when everything seemed so simple and less complicated. I’d wonder, how did I end up like this? How did it become so messed up? Why did I have to constantly think about things that didn’t matter in the first place?  The beginning; it was a step, a phase, then it become a memory. A memory that I can’t go back to. Paradise to some, to those who wished they shouldn’t have left the beginning. But isn’t it pathetic? The idea of not being able to leave the starting line. ‘Cause the start of everything could be the moment you step away from the start and right into life itself.

Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

I’ve learned a lot of things in the academe yet everything that I’ve learned seems so useless in conquering my giants in the road to self-love. No scientific method could solve the struggles I’ve been facing. It can be frustrating how you could top the class, perfect the exams & memorize lessons in an instant but when it comes to reality, you go numb & clueless.

I’m going back to the start.

When things became too much for me, I couldn’t move forward. It was definitely hard. Why did I even do this in the first place? What was I thinking? Am I in a quicksand? Stuck and slowly being absorbed to sink? Then, I’ve decided. Let me take a detour. Take me back from the start and I promise I won’t stay there. I’ll go forward and I’ll start from scratch. It doesn’t matter if I have to face pain again, as long as I go forward. I’d be the same, but not in the same way that I’d be ruined that easily. Comeback? Sure, and it won’t be something you’ll forget that easily. With a clean slate, I’ll do it all over again with a strong heart and a will to survive and to live.

 

Thank you, Coldplay, for The Scientist. It may be an old one, but it’s definitely gold.

 

How Does A Moment Last Forever?

My family & I were in a roadtrip around Cavite when a song played in the car’s music player. It was Celine Dion’s song from the recent live-action adaptation of Beauty & the Beast, “How Does A Moment Last Forever”.

Note: By the way, I’m not trying to have a series of lengthy posts that is correlated to Beauty & the Beast, okay?

As the song goes on, somehow, I was frozen in a way. I kept thinking, “How does it really lasts?” Moments that we often cherish usually don’t happen twice, thrice or more; it happens only once. Given the fact that a memory worth remembering could be made to last forever yet it only happens once makes the whole thought saddening. Sometimes, I would wish that there I could turn back time in order to relive those once in a life moments in my existence, but no. I can’t mess with how the world works, though I am independent in making my decisions, my fate would follow it’s own direction instead. No matter how many times you wish for it to take place again, the only way is to relive it is in our dreams. Maybe, moments that were meant to be treasured are destined to be moments to stay in our minds because in that way, we may never get tired of it. That it remains in our minds & in our hearts. Regardless of how painful & joyful it is, as long it’s in our minds, it will never fade nor shatter. Because a memory remains to be a memory & the feeling that ran through your veins can never be replaced that easily.

How does a moment last forever?
When our song lives on

And it will continue to live on, in our minds, our hearts & in ourselves.

 

Beast

We all have the persona of the Beast inside of us.

We may have become arrogant, apathetic, and conceited to face the consequences that was given to us by the universe, just like what happened to the Prince. By the punishment given to us, we hid ourselves out of shame from the mistakes that we’ve done in the past. We tend to find answers in order to make ourselves rise from the rocks, but you’ll feel so helpless because nothing would ever work. We would voluntarily shut our doors from the world in the fear of the thought that no one understands the pain you’ve been feeling. The world may see you as a beast, but truly, that’s not who you are. In the midst of the darkness that occurs in your life, somehow, there will be someone to become the light to make life bearable. You will discover a gem you can’t afford to lose; that even though you are full of flaws, it ends up loving you despite of your imperfections. And if there will come a time when things seems so true & real, you would eventually be reborn with a whole new life ahead of you.

Beauty

There’s a Belle inside all of us.

We have this never-ending thirst for adventure for what’s out there. We can’t stay still, most especially if we believe in the idea that there are endless possibilities awaiting for us if only we step out of our comfort zones. If life don’t seem appealing to us, we tend to create our own worlds & enclose ourselves in it, just like how Belle does with her books. Because in her books, she can be in another world whilst being in the world she’s longing to leave in order to explore. Just like Belle, we would have spectators who would question us in what we do just because they don’t understand what we do, just because what we do is different in their perspective. There would be people who would say a lot of things just by looking from the outside and wouldn’t even bother to look inside further. Just like Belle, we have this firm belief of living life not according to the given standards given to us by society, instead, we should live life according to our own choices. There will come a time when we’ll meet someone who could change our lives forever; it may not be the kind whom you’re expecting to be with, but it will show you all the reasons you should. There will come a time when we’ll find love and it will makes us realize that not all adventures start from the places you’re going, sometimes, it’s with the person whom you go to places with.

 

Girl INVISIBLE Playlist #1: March-April Favorites

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CRUSH — If you have noticed, I included a lot of Crush’s songs in my playlist just because HOW CAN I NOT INCLUDE HIM. To those of you who don’t know Crush YET, he’s a South Korean R&B and hip-hop singer who’s collaborated with artists Zion.T, Taeyeon, Zico, and so much more. I suggest you listen to his songs like Sometimes and the rest of his songs in his album, Wonderlust.

LANY — I’ve come across this Los Angeles-based band through Twitter since a lot of people were tweeting “ILYSB” (which means I Love You So Bad, by the way) out of nowhere. If you want to escape the bustling sounds of reality, might as well run & listen to LANY, I highly recommend it. Listen to pink skies and Good Girls for more of their music.

JoJo —  One of my favorite female singers of all time! Grew up listening to her music and it’s sad how she faded from the music scene. Though she isn’t vanished since she’s been releasing music (it’s STILL good), I hope the people give her enough credit for the powerful vocals that she has. How To Touch A Girl and Too Little, Too Late are some of my personal faves.

The Physics of Love

Mass is not proportional to volume.

A girl as small as violet,

A girl who moves like a flower petal,

Is pulling me towards her with more forces than her mass,

Just then, like Newton’s apple,

I rolled to her without stopping

Until I fell on her with a thump.

My heart keeps bouncing

Between the sky & the ground.

It was my first love.

 

-Kim In Yook, 1963

In case you didn’t know, I actually knew about this poem in the Korean drama that I’ve been watching, Goblin. Note: It’s a must watch.

First love. Honestly, I can’t say that I had/have one. How about you? Who’s your first love?

The Cure

We live in a world where everything is done in an instant; instant noodles, instant date, instant everything. I guess, as time goes by, we are all just in a hurry to do things. We are consumed by the fast-paced lives that we live in, that we want our problems to be solved in an instant, too.

For two years, I’ve experienced depression. And within those two years, I’ve been telling myself and to others that I’m okay and so I thought that I was. The thing about depression is that the pain you’re dealing with, it can’t be seen on the outside, instead it’s on the inside. You could be the happiest person one could ever witness yet you’re the one who’s breaking inside. It’s easy to plaster a smile in your face & to show it to everyone, but to live through the day to plaster that fake smile of yours isn’t. There are also times when the universe won’t just cooperate with you that it gets harder & harder. So, in order to end it in an instant, you just decide to die. For good. I’ve had suicide thoughts before & looking back, I would think that I must have gone through a lot to think like that. I searched for refuge, a shoulder to lean on, but all those searching made me tired. I feel as if all the possible cures for me weren’t effective enough to work on me.

I forfeited, even to God. I surrendered all my battle armors and I slowly let the pain consume me. I was afraid of what might happen. I was afraid to face my fears. But it is the only way for me to be cured, before I even destroy myself.

Today, I wouldn’t say that I’m in my best, there’s still a lot of work going on. But I know deep inside me that I’m not faking it nor covering it up. If you must go through it, then there’s seems to be no other way; you just gotta be strong & I know you are.

J x