Unchartered Waters

I decided to sail in unchartered waters; a place so vast and unknown, without any reassurance of where the waves would take me, I still decided to go. It took me a long time to think if I should leave the shores and go farther or to stay within my safe spaces and confine myself in it. It was a difficult choice, but still, I decided to go. Leaving the place that became home for me for so many years can be heartbreaking and liberating at the same time; heartbreaking because it was once my haven, my escape. Though there were times that I would wish back then that it would be on fire, I can’t deny the fact that it sheltered me for a long time. The fact that I’m leaving marks my liberation from those four cornered walls. Indeed, my life doesn’t end with those walls around me.

As of the moment, I am familiarizing myself with the waves and currents that I get to encounter every single time; every weak wave or a strong one, could mean something, that’s why learning never stops. I may be the captain of my boat, but if the wind brings me to a place or situation that I have no control, who am I to fight it? Here I am sailing in unchartered waters. Here I am being free.

Illuminae

You deserve every star in the galaxy laid out at your feet and a thousand diamonds in your hair. You deserve someone who’ll run with you as far and as fast as you want to. Holding your hand, not holding you back.

You have me, until the last star in the galaxy dies.

Ezra Mason, Illuminae by Amie Kaufman & Jay Kristoff

Late Nights

My eyes may be tired

But I won’t close them

My thoughts may be overflowing

But I’ll try to reorganize them

My words are like stray bullets

But I won’t stop them

Because it is during these late nights

That my true self shows

And my inner thoughts conspire

 

 

Through the Night (II)

난 파도가 머물던
모래 위에 적힌 글씨처럼
그대가 멀리
사라져 버릴 것 같아
또 그리워 더 그리워

Just like letters on the sand
where waves were
I feel you’ll disappear
to a far off place
I miss you again and miss you more

-Lee Ji-eun, Through the Night

The touch of your hand, the scent of your fragrance and the tightness of your hug is starting to wear off as we drift apart inch by inch. Every remaining memory of you starts to become a blur, as if it never happened. I rub my eyes to see if its really happening, that you’ll be gone in my life for good. Part of me jumps of joy and says that it’s about time that I move along with my life and other part of me insists to stay and to remember; every touch, every scent, and every feeling that I’ve ever felt when I was with you.

Here I am, missing you. I can’t forget. I won’t forget. How could I ever forget?

Through the Night (I)

여기 내 마음속에
모든 말을
다 꺼내어 줄 순 없지만
사랑한다는 말이에요

All the words
In my heart
I can’t show them all to you
But, it’s that I love you

-Lee Ji-eun, Through the Night

I hid my love hoping that it would disappear. I hid my love with the fear of being hurt. I hid it in the best way that I can. Yet the love that I hid outgrew its hiding place for grew fonder and craved for you. I try my best to overcome it, but the love overtook me. Still, I deny it. Still, I try to hide it. All I know is that you don’t know that I’ve been hiding my love for a long time and I plan to keep it that way.

 

 

Tears pt. II

They said that I’m weak

Because I cry

They said that I’m fragile

Because I cry

They shut me up

Because I cry

Yet I have no shame

For these tears,

these tears

Aren’t just tears

They’re emotions

In the form of droplets

Through these tears

It is the only way

To let it all out

Everything

 

Tears

I wish I could stop the tears from falling down because it’s tiring; it makes my eyes weary, my soul begging for mercy and my body in a calamity. I wish I could stop them from falling down because I don’t see the point in crying anymore. I wish I could eliminate the tears as much as I want to eliminate myself in this universe. That was before.

I used to wish that I could stop them, but now, I just let it be. I just let myself feel the pain. Let the tears roll down my cheeks as they land my lap. I just let the burn in my chest lit a fire until I’m numb enough to feel nothing else. I just let my attention explore to places  wherein the pain can’t reach me, that way, I’ll continue to live.

I assure myself that everything will fall back into place, just like how they are meant to be. I assure myself that it’s gonna be okay. I assure myself. Assurance, I like that stuff.