I would write pieces about self-love yet it ends up either trashed or drafted. I thought to myself that maybe it’s just a block and I would get back to my drive in writing in no time. I became patient but as I waited, I witnessed the days transitioned into weeks, then into months and surprisingly, it became a year. It’s not a block, I realized. Looking back, there were times that I’d fail my attempt in writing as I would find myself emotionally wrecked. It’s as if the wounds were opened up again; the wounds that I thought that has been healed long ago.
Nobody said it was easy.
The act of self-love is easier said than done. I’d spend hours scrolling through Pinterest for motivation quotes & inspiration, listen to empowering songs, and declare to the world that my optimism can’t be brought down by a single negative thought, but in the end, I’d drop my battle armor and surrender instead. I would question the heavens that how come I’ve done everything that needs to be done yet nothing goes my way.
Oh, take me back to the start.
I’d look back on how the things were in the beginning; when everything seemed so simple and less complicated. I’d wonder, how did I end up like this? How did it become so messed up? Why did I have to constantly think about things that didn’t matter in the first place? The beginning; it was a step, a phase, then it become a memory. A memory that I can’t go back to. Paradise to some, to those who wished they shouldn’t have left the beginning. But isn’t it pathetic? The idea of not being able to leave the starting line. ‘Cause the start of everything could be the moment you step away from the start and right into life itself.
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
I’ve learned a lot of things in the academe yet everything that I’ve learned seems so useless in conquering my giants in the road to self-love. No scientific method could solve the struggles I’ve been facing. It can be frustrating how you could top the class, perfect the exams & memorize lessons in an instant but when it comes to reality, you go numb & clueless.
I’m going back to the start.
When things became too much for me, I couldn’t move forward. It was definitely hard. Why did I even do this in the first place? What was I thinking? Am I in a quicksand? Stuck and slowly being absorbed to sink? Then, I’ve decided. Let me take a detour. Take me back from the start and I promise I won’t stay there. I’ll go forward and I’ll start from scratch. It doesn’t matter if I have to face pain again, as long as I go forward. I’d be the same, but not in the same way that I’d be ruined that easily. Comeback? Sure, and it won’t be something you’ll forget that easily. With a clean slate, I’ll do it all over again with a strong heart and a will to survive and to live.
Thank you, Coldplay, for The Scientist. It may be an old one, but it’s definitely gold.