We live in a world where everything is done in an instant; instant noodles, instant date, instant everything. I guess, as time goes by, we are all just in a hurry to do things. We are consumed by the fast-paced lives that we live in, that we want our problems to be solved in an instant, too.
For two years, I’ve experienced depression. And within those two years, I’ve been telling myself and to others that I’m okay and so I thought that I was. The thing about depression is that the pain you’re dealing with, it can’t be seen on the outside, instead it’s on the inside. You could be the happiest person one could ever witness yet you’re the one who’s breaking inside. It’s easy to plaster a smile in your face & to show it to everyone, but to live through the day to plaster that fake smile of yours isn’t. There are also times when the universe won’t just cooperate with you that it gets harder & harder. So, in order to end it in an instant, you just decide to die. For good. I’ve had suicide thoughts before & looking back, I would think that I must have gone through a lot to think like that. I searched for refuge, a shoulder to lean on, but all those searching made me tired. I feel as if all the possible cures for me weren’t effective enough to work on me.
I forfeited, even to God. I surrendered all my battle armors and I slowly let the pain consume me. I was afraid of what might happen. I was afraid to face my fears. But it is the only way for me to be cured, before I even destroy myself.
Today, I wouldn’t say that I’m in my best, there’s still a lot of work going on. But I know deep inside me that I’m not faking it nor covering it up. If you must go through it, then there’s seems to be no other way; you just gotta be strong & I know you are.